Tweak Of The Week CXXXVI: Questions...Not Answers VII
(18 Mar 2009)

Because we took such an enormously long time updating...everyone listed is going to get double the normal amount of Rat's Asses! We had given you a set list of "answers" and you had to provide a question for them, "Jeopardy!"-style. Personally, I always love this contest - that's why I've brought it back so many times...the "answers" never fail to make me laugh...or at least smile a great deal...so you can bank on seeing further installments of it in the future. But now - the contest at hand -- and for your reading enjoyment...these are displayed in no special order than the contest order I had them listed in.

Bake 'N Shake: What are Rachel Ray's principal TV duties? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Bake 'n Shake: What do you do on a California beach during an earthquake? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Hamburglar Helper: What's the secret ingredient in the Big Mac? (strollo5@embarqmail.com)

Hamburglar Helper: Eating what food will give you buns of steal? (MAXCEL200@aol.com)

Playing The Donald Trump Card: How do you fire up your bridge partner? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Playing The Donald Trump Card: What's a good metaphor for the Wall Street Bail-Out bill? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The Rocky Horror Picture Road: What is the route with the messiest Adopt-a-Highway program? (ronxian@bak.rr.com)

Jessica Rabbit, Not Alba: Which Jessica shows a lot of tail in her movies. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Mel Gibson Cockail - What do you call Braveheart's jock itch? (ReineDe Douleur@yahoo.com)

Mel Gibson Cocktail – What do you call a martini with sugartits? (rsherman@netplexgroup.com; flynnkj19@aol.com)

Plastic Not Paper: How do people get themselves deep into credit-card debt? (tphyll@aol.com)

Plastic Not Paper: What should Michael Jackson tell his surgeon before his next nose job? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Plastic Not Paper: Which of these will you find in Pam Anderson's Bra? (GerriHan65@aol.com)

Plastic Not Paper: What was the protest slogan against biodegradable condoms? (wamii_69@yahoo.com)

Blonde, James Blonde: Why were all the hot spy girls' bellybuttons sore? (wamii_69@yahoo.com)

Slur-Pee: What is the new term for "racist potty mouth"? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Slur-Pee: What is the next best thing to a yellow snow cone? (wamii_69@yahoo.com)

Slur-Pee: What is a symptom of the 'golden' years? (maxcel200@aol.com)

Slur-Pee: What falls between Slur-Oh and Slur-Queue? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Pick Up Styx: What was the name of the environmentalist project to clean up the river bank before it went completely to hell? (wamii_69@yahoo.com)

Pick Up Styx: What in Hades is the world's lamest game? (maxcel200@aol.com)

Pick Up Styx – What can any woman under 50 years old do at the Minnesota State Fair? (215delivery@gmail.com)

Michael Not Sarah Palin: Who would have Eric Idle as Secretary of Offense (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)? (GerriHan65@aol.com)

The Artist Formerly Known as Prints: Which performer's career developed at the Kodak Theater? (MAXCEL200@aol.com)

You Can Run But You Can't Slide: What are the limitations when you play baseball on a concrete surface? (tphyll@aol.com)

McCain and Able: Ironically, what presidential ticket proves that McCain ran in the first PALENtology era. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Aye-Aye Exam: What is the test a pirate must take before getting his patch? (arlenekader@aol.com)

These Are The Times That Try Men's Soles: What are the Olympic marathon trials? (tphyll@aol.com)

Obam...bam...bama: How would Emeril pronounce the last name of the Democratic presidential candidate? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The runners-up get double the Rat's Ass points they normally would...and an origami dragon (yes, my son consented that he'd do dragons, but nothing else)...

Plastic Not Paper – What 3 words typically precede the phrase, "Screw the environment, I live on a sixth floor walkup." (215delivery@gmail.com)

Slur-pee: What is the number one drink in America? (maxcel200@aol.com)

Blonde, James Blonde: What secret agent likes to travel a broad? (tphyll@aol.com)

These two winners get to fight over that Christmas box decoration - first one to claim it, gets it - the other gets some other prize I have lying about the house...and, of course, double the Rat's Asses...

Blond, James Blond: Who was British secret service agent in the movie "Live and Let Dye'? (maxcel200@aol.com)

Three Stripes and You're Out: When do my in-laws buy new underwear? (archerjoe@hotmail.com)




The Tweak prize this time around certainly falls into the gist of our new contest...just WHY did they do that? Yes, why...oh why - did the Ritz cracker company come out with this "holiday themed" book entitled "The Tale of the Magical Crackers". Yes, boys and girls...they dipped into something magical when they wrote this - but I doubt it had anything to do with crackers...crack, maybe. Oh, I don't doubt they had the munchies later and ATE crackers - but that's about as close to it as it comes. I've actually read this thing - trust me - drugs were involved somehow. And chances are it was more than just one kind. It tells the tale of some giant crackers: a Ritz, a Triscuit, and a Wheat Thin, that kept growing back when you ate them and then they crashed the holiday festivities.   Whoa, boy...it doesn't get any "better" than this. And here I sit without any writing gig to my name...sigh...but I digress. It also has some recipes - but...chances are the proportions are waaaay off...so follow with care.


Anyway...this one of a kind "gem" of a prize, can be yours - IF you win the Tweak this time around!


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  • Things That Make You Go "Hmmmmm"

    Why do they do that? These are some things that make you go "hmmmm". Things you might have wondered about, never wondered about, or never cared about ever...until now. Such are the things this contest is about. We want you to pick one of the following "observances" and give us the reason why. As simple as that. It can be silly, funny, or just plain off-the-wall - as long as you don't go on Wikipedia and give us the real reason...we can do that ourselves...we want your original ideas. Give us one, two, or give us all of them...just send them individually. I have a couple lame examples below in case you are at all confused. (Hey...reading that "cracker" book will do it to you.)


    Why do they have those dual side-by-side bathtubs in those erectile dysfunction commercials?

    Why do they still refer to a CD as an album?

    Why do they say "this will make history" when everything ends up being history?

    Why is it that it's always "4 out of 5" or "9 out of 10 doctors agreeing"? Once in a while, you'd figure, by odds alone, that it would be "6 out of 10" or "2 out of 5"...right?

    Why does someone pull something out of the refrigerator and say "I think this has gone bad...smell it".

    Why do they call the foamy stuff on a beer the "head" - yet it has a "full-bodied" taste?

    Why is it "loads of fun" - loads of what?

    Why do you paint the town red...why not blue or purple?

    How can things can be both "easy as pie" and "a piece of cake"?

    How does a thermos know to keep hot things hot and cold things cold?

    Why is someone always a "tortured" genius?

    If there is a "two second rule" in following the car in front of you and a "five second rule" for picking up food that fell on the floor - what do the other seconds rule over?

    Why isn't a pizza cutter serrated but yet a bread knife is?

    Why do they still sell ascots when you've never seen anyone wear one?

    What was the "best thing" before sliced bread was invented?

    How can something be "new" and "improved" at the same time?

    Why do women's and men's coats/shirts button on the opposite sides?

    Why is pig meat called "pork", cow meat called "beef", but chicken and lamb are still only "chicken" and "lamb"?

    If an apple a day keeps the doctor away - what do some of the other fruits/vegetables keep away?

    Why do you make a wish upon a shooting star, blowing out birthday candles, or tossing coins into a fountain/well?

    What exactly is under that new leaf they keep telling you that you have to turn over?


    Below are some examples I came up with which aren't the best (far from the best) - I'm sure you'll do loads (there's that load again) better...but they are examples, nonetheless. Please send entries in one at a time...and please send the question in along with your response as designated below.

    Examples:

    Why do women's and men's coats/shirts button on the opposite sides?: That's so when they are making out, say, in a car, they can sit on opposite sides of each other and be able to unbutton each other's clothes more easily...not that I know of such things. At least - not any more.

    What was the "best thing" before sliced bread was invented?: Bacon. Come to think of it, bacon is STILL the best thing since sliced bread was invented. Bacon pretty much always will be.




    Please send multiple entries individually.

    Play Tweak of the Week here!

    Go here if you can't enter this way.


    I hate to ask everyone this - but, since my bathroom/bedroom flooded a while back and they tore out the carpet and brought in massive fans and industrial strength dehumidifiers, and we had to move everything around haphazardly and in record time - I misplaced my one HMO Prize Book and started up another. Now, I can't find the new one...but I found the old one...and honestly, I'm at a loss as to who requested what. This is why I specifically ask for people to put "Prize Claim" in the subject field when they cash in their Rat's Asses, but I know not everyone does...so I'm asking everyone to let me know if they have not received a prize they were due. This also includes "Tweak Of The Week" prizes which I haven't sent yet (in that case the subject line would have been "Tweak Of The Week Submission"). Some of you, I know, have been waiting an outrageously long time for an origami...this is why we cancelled origamis this year...and I sincerely apologize. Trying to get my son to do them - well, isn't fun.

    Anyway, I would love to get your prizes out to you - but short of me going thru tons of mail to find them all - I am requesting your assistance.  I am also asking that you be fair about this and not try to claim anything you didn't win via Tweak Of The Week, request previously, and/or prizes you didn't/do not have enough Rat's Asses to "buy". Not to be a jerk, but I have all the emails - and I will indeed double-check. Please send this info in an email to "Cadeaux@HumorMeOnline.com".

    Thank you.



    Archive

    If you never received email notification upon winning a prize here at "Tweak Of The Week" - please read the FAQ - as we address the whole situation there. Thank you.


    The premise of Tweak Of The Week (TOTW) is where you not only get to come up with entries for the current topic...but you can also think up the contest itself. In other words, there will be a totally different game with a whole new set of rules each time...and if we use your TOTW contest idea, you will receive a lovely origami creation of your choice (within reason). Honestly, they are very nice.